“I can’t, you’re my friend’s ex.”
These were the words I usually tell you before just to avoid the question that you keep on asking me.
I’ve been through a lot and I don’t think I am ready yet to be on the hot seat again and to accumulate all my friend’s harsh words against me.
I can say that maybe I was really cursed. Ever since I fell in love, there’s always a hindrance and I can never be completely happy because on the back of my mind I know that someone’s also weeping behind my happiness.
Now here you are again, asking the same question and line that’s so familiar to me. I really don’t know, maybe I was really stubborn, I never did learn through all my experiences. When will I ever learn that there’s really “KARMA”? Well, enough of my taking risks. Before I am really proud of that principle of mine, but now… I don’t even know if I have to feel good for taking risks or what.
The first time I gave you a White Rose, you were so surprised and don’t know what to say. Of course we’re still friends that time but that doesn’t really mean anything to me. After all, we’re just friends right?
Christmas was just around the corner that time. We were out with your friends. While dining out, you saw a girl selling flowers and you immediately bought me one. A Yellow Rose. It’s one of my favorite, though Blue’s still the best for me. I also told you that if ever I am to give a Blue Rose to someone, it means that I really love that person so much.
So many seasons have passed but never your love for me. Your patience, love and thoughtfulness made me feel so special, especially when we’re together. There were lots of times that I tried to let go of you but I just can’t seem to. Maybe because…I’m starting to fall for you … I feel that life won’t be the same again without you.
There was never a day that we don’t see each other and that we fail to let each other know that she is special. I even remember that night, while we were hanging out in the pool, when I cried to you while asking you not to leave me because I can’t make it. You promised that you won’t. I hope you still remember.
Few months after, the same old things that we used to do suddenly changed. Maybe because we’re just both busy or for any other reason, and for that, I don’t know. We usually have petty quarrels that can also be resolved in a day or two, but something really changed. I can feel it.
28, your favorite number which I started abhorring now. I don’t know if my love isn’t enough for you, if you already find the comfort of hearing the word “I love you” from someone, or I’m just getting too demanding.
I swear to God that I am not demanding. I know I am not so sweet lately but is that a reason enough for you to dump me?
I cried so hard upon learning that you wanted to be free. “How about me, my feelings?” I can’t think of any thing to do anymore, I’ve even come to a point of thinking of hurting myself. You’re the only person whom I beg to at least talk to me. Pathetic as it may seem, it’s true. I don’t do anything but cry. When I wake up I cry, before I sleep, I still cry. My eyes are all swollen and black because I also lack sleep, but what the heck! I love you and I think I can never live another day knowing you already fell out of love.
Whenever I stay home, I can’t still forget you because my mom does nothing but to talk about you. I wanted to tell her to stop mentioning your name but I can’t. She doesn’t know anything. Even if I go out, I still think of you and all the places we’ve been and all the things we used to do. I don’t know if you’ve cast a love spell on me for loving you this much but whatever it is, I don’t care anymore.
I’ve been dying to be mean towards you, to show that I’m alright even if I’m not, to show you that I can find a better one than you. Someone who will love me more than you did. Someone who I can spend the rest of my life with. But sad to say, I’m a failure.
My friends say that I’m so stupid to run after you begging for love. That I would be able to stumble on someone better than you. But my mind was still closed.
One night, my mind has generated the most brilliant yet pathetic idea. I don’t know if it would work but I don’t care anymore, all I know was that I desperately want you back. I might get hurt again but I’ll take the risk. (Sigh) Risk again…
The next day I searched all over to find the perfect surprise for you. I have also written a novel-long letter for you. You promised to drop by in our house at around 7 to 8 in the evening to pick up my gift. I wait, wait and wait. I’m starting to worry if what happened. I tried calling you but your cell phone was off, I even called in your house but they told me you’re not home yet. I really cried. A feeling of self-pity swept over me. Maybe it isn’t a nice idea after all. 9:00 p.m., I called you up and found out you’re already home. You told me sorry because you weren’t able to drop by. I know, it’s obvious.
I told you that I’ll go to your house to give that surprise and before you can even ask I question I already hanged up. I rode a cab on the way to your house, catching my breath. My parents didn’t know I went out.
It’s more than a week since I saw you, there you were wearing your blue shirt. If I’m not mistaken, that was also your shirt when we last saw each other. I walked slowly towards you while holding my present. You look alright compared to me. Nothing changed with your appearance, while here I am, all wasted.
When I reached your gate, I gradually handed you my surprise while holding back the tears welling from my eyes. It’s a single Blue Rose. Your reaction was the same when I first gave you a White Rose. Speechless and quiet. I can tell you’re hesitant to get it. “What’s this for?” you asked quite astonished. “A Rose, for you” I replied sounding as if I’m going to break down any time.
You invited me inside, and though it wasn’t my plan to get inside, my heart keeps pulling me inside. I wanted to stay there forever just to be with you. We talked and shared stories. I tried to act casual but maybe I’m not a good actress at all. I burst out in tears but I can tell that you don’t want me doing that so I stopped.
We’re watching TV but I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. Telling myself how much I miss your face, your smiles, and your stares. But sad to say, all would only remain as memories from the past. Before I go I asked for just one favor and that is to hug you. You agreed and right then and there I broke again into tears. You tried to comfort me while saying that “Don’t worry, I’m the highest in Chemistry, I didn’t failed.” You still know how to make me laugh. You know that all I want is for you to excel in your class.
I left your house with a pang of sadness and regrets. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time. Then I should’ve not questioned you about the text message. Then I should’ve been sweeter to you. But all would only remain as a wishful thinking.
I ought to ask you that night if I can court you like what you did before, but I guess I should stop making risk now. After all, everything turned out to be a disaster. Well, at least I’ve been happy even for a couple of months.
I hope that would be the last time you’ll see me cry. Together with the Blue Rose, were all the memories we’ve shared together. The joys and pains we have shared. I’ll try to let go but I won’t promise you that it will be soon. I promise you won’t see me crying, but I won’t assure you I won’t cry for you anymore. But this I promise you, like what I told you before, I’ll love you as long as you’re giving me the reason to.
And by the way, do you still remember the symbolism I gave for the Blue Rose?
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