The Black Sheep

Monday, January 07, 2008
The night was getting deeper as I trudged along the dark alley leading to the apartment. The misty air and the stillness of the night bring back memories of the past. Memories that I have put on the back burner for a long time now. Memories that served as an envenom that is slowly killing and eating me wholly. Then rain drops started falling and before I knew it, thoughts kept flooding rapidly together with the rain.

It’s the first day of my Senior year. I can’t describe the excitement I am feeling as my dad pulled over our Chevrolet in the school’s driveway. I hurriedly gave a peck on dad’s right cheek and went down to meet my friends and gave each other some updates on our summer vacation. The bell rang and we sped up to our rooms and faced our books. Another dreadful year in school again, but at least this will be my last year in High school.
I am Eunice, the only daughter of two of the most successful entrepreneurs in the country. An average girl living a grandiose life. I was born with a silver spoon. I live in a grand house in one of the plush villages in our place. I have lived a sheltered life, away from the harsh reality of the world out there.
And he’s Vincent, my long time crush for as long as I can remember. We have been studying in the same school ever since Grade school and even though we have been seat mates for so many years now, still, for him, I don’t even exist. He never even uttered a single word to me, just a few forceful smiles whenever our eyes meet in the school’s hallways. He was the school’s jock and every girl swoons over him and would die just to date him. I don’t know If I’m lucky or what, but I must confess that I am one of those.
It’s a cloudy afternoon when I decided to watch one of Vincent’s practices in the field. I tagged along two of my best girl friends so I will have some back ups. I know this is now the right time to muster enough guts to talk to him. After all, the party of the year is just a few weeks away and I have already envisioned myself entering the venue with him by my side. I know that sounds a bit ambitious but I think it’s just about time to show him what I’m made of. What Eunice wants, Eunice gets.
The moment I saw him walking towards my way, I can feel how my body stiffened and how I felt the urge to throw up and just pass away. Good thing I brought along my two best cheer leaders. I slowly walked towards him as I put my sweetest smile as I introduced myself to him. “I know” was all he said, and then gave a quick smile and fled with the other jocks. My world was crushed down into pieces. The ultimate love of my life can’t even give me a second of his time. But hey, at least he knows my name. I exist in his vocabulary and that already counts. Although I know I need to work harder to get him notice me. And the next time we meet, I bloody swear, he’ll never leave me again, ever.
The party was in the house of one of the popular girls in school. I was wearing my best dress and even had my hair and make up done. Tonight, Vincent will surely notice me, and he did. Surprisingly, he even invited me over their house and everything happened so fast. In just a blink of an eye, people started noticing me, girls even started hating me. All just because I have with me the school’s most popular guy. Everything changed; it was a dream come true. But everything also changed when my monthly period was delayed.
After one of our classes, I look all over the school for Vincent, only to find him in the field flirting with some other girls in our school. “Excuse me, can you just give us second?” I pulled Vincent away from the girls who scampered away. “Hi, what’s the matter” he asks casually as he fixes his hair. “I’m pregnant!” I tell him straightforwardly. “You’re what?!” He repeats his question again as though I have uttered the silliest joke in the world. “I am pregnant. I did a pregnancy test and I even consulted two doctors just to confirm. And I am. It’s 2 weeks old.”
Vincent stared at me for a long minute then shook his head. “I am not the father of that. Who knows, that might be someone else’s child. Who knows, you might have cheated on me.” “How dare you say that to me?!” I shouted feeling all my blood rising and my hands trembling. “I’m sorry but I’m not going to take any responsibility for that. Go find a father for your child, but not me.” Then he quickly walked away to get his things and catch up with the guys.
It’s a gloomy day, rain started pouring down and I don’t even mind. I looked at Vincent until he vanished from my sight. I walked home all drenched and head straightly to my room. I cried and did not eat dinner that night. I even skipped my classes the following days telling my parents I was feeling ill. Then one night during our usual dinners, I finally decided to spill the beans.
“Mom, Dad, I’m pregnant.” I silently uttered while we were in the middle of laughing over the antics I usually does when I was still a child. Both of them stopped eating and stared at me silently. I can feel the tension in the air while I look at them anticipating for some answer, but my father just stood up while my mother followed after him.
That was the last time I have eaten dinner with them. They have disowned me since that night. I tried calling my friends to let me stay over their houses even for the mean time while I find some place to stay, but they refused to for the reason that their parents won’t allow them thinking that I am setting a bad example for their children.
I am currently working as a cashier in a little convenience store in a small town away from home. I decided to keep the baby and I need to work hard to keep us alive. I have two jobs. I do dishwashing in the morning at a restaurant two kilometers away from my stinking little apartment, while I go to the store from eight in the evening till midnight. I know what I’m doing is risky for me and my pregnancy, but I need my jobs to pay the rent, bills and for my food. I have never imagined life would be this hard. Especially for a young girl like me who should still be in school and inside the classroom. But instead I’m here in this convenience store working my tail off. I missed my once wrapped in cotton wool life but I need to show them I can make it.
“Eunice, you haven’t paid the rent for thee months already, if you can’t give me the full payment tomorrow, then I’m afraid you may need to find a new place to stay.” Adelaide, our landlady, warned when she saw me one night arrived from work.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I don’t know where on earth will I produce money to pay my three months rent. The last time I made cash advances, my employers told me that that would be the last time already because I have made so many cash advancements ever since I get in the job. I thought of going back home but I can’t for fear of rejection for the second time. I cried myself to sleep that night, still not having answers to all my problems.
The next day after my shift, I decided to walk my way home, notwithstanding the chilly weather outside. My feet were heavy as I padded along the cold December night. But still I could feel the hot tears trickling down my face. I stopped and sat on the sidewalk as I sobbed all the pains I am feeling. The rain started to pour and so are my tears. Then all of a sudden, I felt a hand on my shoulder, as I glanced up, I saw my father’s face, smiling. And although it’s raining, I can see he was also crying.
“Let’s go home now my little lamb.” He finally said. “We’ve been waiting and searching for you since you left.” With that, I stood up and hugged him, and after so many months, I felt again the feeling of being secured.
The night was getting deeper as I trudged along the dark alley leading to the apartment. The misty air and the stillness of the night bring back memories of the past. Memories that I have put on the back burner for a long time now. Memories that served as an envenom that is slowly killing and eating me wholly. Then rain drops started falling and before I knew it, thoughts kept flooding rapidly together with the rain. Then a small hand suddenly tugs me. “Come on mommy, it’s already raining, let’s get inside the car. Why do we always go in this place every year anyway? Then all you do is just look at that dirty little apartment over there” Marguerite, my daughter, inquisitively asks. “Nothing, let’s go now, I’ll explain it to you someday.”


Magtatakipsilim na naman. Mag-iisang taon na pala mula nang naramdaman ko ang ganito. Bakit nga ba hindi mapuknit sa aking isipan ang iyong maamong mukha? Bakit ba tuwing magagawi na lamang ako sa dalampasigang ito ay muling bumabalik ang mga masasaya nating alaala? Alaalang nagsisilbing lason na unti-unting pumapatay sa akin.

Dapithapon nang una tayong nagkakilala. Halos hindi tayo magkamayaw sa pagkukuwentuhan habang naglalakad sa tabing-dagat at namumulot ng mga sigay. Kung minsan nama’y palihim tayong nagtatagpo sa gabi; humihiga sa buhanginan habang tinatanaw ang mga bituin. Minsan nga, naitanong mo ang aking mga pangarap na isang buntong-hininga lamang ang naging katugunan.

Ninais ko ring huwag nang uminog pa ang mundo ng mga panahong iyon at huwag nang umandar pa ang orasan dahil batid kong ang bawat tiktak nito’y hudyat din ng ating nalalapit na paghihiwalay.

Nang dumating ang araw na aking kinatatakutan, nangako tayong magtatagpo rito taun-taon. Ngunit nasaan na ang iyong pangako? Ah! Sana’y nakita ko noon pa ang tunay mong pagkatao. Sana’y nalaman ko nang maaga na bawat salita palang binibigkas mo ay taliwas sa iyong damdamin. Sana’y nabatid ko na pagkakaibigan lang pala ang tangi mong nais na inakala kong pag-ibig na. Sana’y nakita ko ang mga ito noon pa. Disinsana’y hindi ako naghintay, umasa…masakit pala.

Ang tabing-dagat ang siyang nagsilbing saksi sa inakala kong isang wagas na pagmamahalan. Ang bawat paglubog ng araw dito ay lagi na lamang nagpapaalaala sa akin ng ating mga masasayang sandali. ‘Di ko na rin alintana ang pagtulo ng luha sa aking mga pisngi. Kung alam mo lamang na sa tuwing sasapit ang mga panahong ganito, ako’y nasasabik na masilayan kang muli. Ang iyong mga nangungusap na mata, nakahahawang halakhak at paglalambing ay lalo lamang nagpapatindi sa aking nararamdaman.

“Tanga ba akong talaga o sadyang mahal lang kita?” Minsan ko nang naitanong sa aking sarili.

Sa bawat pamamaalam ng araw ay para bang lalo akong nawawalan ng pag-asang makita kang muli, dahil batid kong may sarili ka nang mundo ngayon at masakit mang isipin, alam kong hindi na ako bahagi noon. Baka nga sa pagbalik mo ay hindi mo na ako kilala…iyon ay kung babalik ka pa.

Takipsilim na at makikita ang isang taong nakatanaw sa dagat na wari’y may hinihintay. Lagi siyang ganoon…

Lagi akong ganito. Naghihintay pa rin sa pagbabalik mo. Isang suntok sa buwan ang pangarap na ito. Ngunit sana’y malaman mo, narito lamang ako, naghihintay sa dalampasigang ito. Kung saan mo ako iniwan, doon mo pa rin ako mababalikan.


Sunday, January 06, 2008
It’s been barely a year since I first saw you. There you were wearing your olive green jacket. You glanced my way but I wasn’t really sure if you even noticed me.

Well, sure enough, you saw me but you really didn’t see me. My friend has told me so many things about you. That you already have someone special in your life and that with that looks you have, it’s pretty obvious that you’re a player.

It’s very rare that you visit the floor and whenever you do, I can’t keep myself from standing to search every bay and post to see whose PC you’re fixing this time. Am I mean or what? Because sometimes I wish that all the computers in the floor would all crash down so I’ll get to see you the whole day and you’ll never hide again in your secret hideout.

But there came a time that I told myself to stop dreaming about you because you’re just too impossible for me, besides I also have someone special in my life so what’s the point of yearning for you. After all, you don’t even know that I exist.

Time fleetingly passed by and nothing’s changed. Every time I see you, my heart still skips a beat and I feel the urge to come up and talk to you but I was too afraid thinking that with such busy schedule that you have, you don’t have the time in your hands to talk to someone whom you don’t even know. I’ve been thinking of smiling at you whenever our eyes meet but I was too paranoid thinking that when I do, you’ll see in my eyes the feelings I’ve been keeping inside. I know you have caught me so many times catching stolen glances at you so I assumed you already know that I do like you.

Well, it must be true that “Whenever God closes a door, He opens a window”. Because you suddenly came into my life just in time. But…did I also came just in time or am I wrong timing again?

Everything started with that 7 hued arch in the sky every after the rain, and that’s what exactly you are to me. Yes, you’re my rainbow after the rain. You turned my gloomy sky into a colorful one. But still, there’s this certain fear that keeps me from believing that you’re for real. See, your love life was in a shamble that time and I don’t want to meddle in a situation like that anymore, I guess I’ve had enough of it. I’m scared to think that like the rainbow, you’ll also vanish into thin air after bringing color into my sky.

And who would’ve thought that fairy tales could still come true? I’ve already set aside that dream of mine before but everything went against it just when I’m about to curse that thing they call LOVE.

Now, you’re here, in front of me, I know I’m into a deep fall again and though how many times I tried reiterating to myself that you won’t see me the way I see you, still I gave in. Sometimes I want to slap myself for me to wake up from this dream of mine, for this illusion might just turn out to be a disillusion after again another month or so.

Actually I want to thank the person who broke my heart before, for if it weren’t for her, I won’t be able to feel the ecstasy you’ve been giving me. If it weren’t for her you won’t even notice that I exist because of my non-stop whining about her.

Well, everything happened so fast, in just a span of 2 months we’re already inseparable. I must have done something good in the past for having you in my life right now. Who would have thought that a poor girl like me who’s just contented in loving you from afar would actually get the chance to know you, tell you I love you and be with you. Miracle or whatever you want to say, all I know is that you are my DREAM COME TRUE.

But still, there’s this certain fear. A fear that I might lose you someday. Yes I love you and so do you, but there’s this particular thing that keeps us from getting too much involved with each other. No strings attached as what they usually call it.

I know I am into another tear-jerking situation again but I love you and I’m willing to wait for you. I know how weary I am already for all the heartaches I’ve been through, I’ve had enough of my “begging attention days”. Been there, done that. Don’t worry, I can handle this, I really love hurting myself, I think it’s becoming one of my favorite hobbies already.

Yes, you’re not mine and I don’t have all the rights in the world to ask where you are, where you’ve been and who’s with you. After all, it’s just ME…I’ll just be deaf in everything I hear, I’ll just be blind in everything that I see and I’ll just be numb in everything that I feel. Yes, numb! That’s what I already am.

Well, I just want you to know how much I treasure you. You’re not mine, I know, but I still believe that someday time will come that you’ll turn my dream into an official reality.I also hope that one day, I’ll just wake up and find out that you’re already ready to stand for what you feel without extra baggage with you. I’ll wait no matter how long it would take…I’ll wait.

But please don’t make my waiting like an eternity. Because the least thing I would want to happen is getting tired after everything and then finding out you’re all set again to make everything official. And for the nth time, I’m telling you this, I’m not the person who easily gets tired of someone especially if the person is just too special like you. I hate waiting but for you I will make an exemption. You know I’m just here, and anytime you want to meet me and make everything all right, don’t hesitate to go. I’ll just be still and wait here in our meeting place. For now, I’ll just stay here and wait till you come and tell me that you’re now ready to spend the rest of your life with me.

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