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Kuwadradong Mundo


Nakatanaw na naman ako sa may kalawakan na para bang may hinihintay. Gabi-gabi ay ito ang gawain ko. Napakatahimik ng kapaligiran at tanging mga kuliglig lamang at tiktak ng orasan ang naririnig. Ni hindi ko nga namalayan na alas-dose na pala ng hating-gabi.

Puyat na naman ako, pero ayos lang. Mas gusto kong manatiling gising habang ang lahat ay natutulog na. Gusto kong lasapin ang katahimikan ng mundo dahil doon ko lamang mas nakikita ang angking kagandahan nito.

Tumingala ako at minalas ang kalangitaan. ‘Di gaya kagabi, ngayon ay mabibilang mo lamang ang mga bituin at sa ‘di mawaring kadahilanan ay nakadama ako ng kalungkutan. Unti-unting nanumbalik ang mga masasaya at malulungkot na pangyayari sa aking buhay. Napabuntong-hininga ako sabay sambit sa aking sarili, “Pagod na ako.”

Pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong patutunguhan pa. Para bang wala ng pagbabago ang buhay ko. Nakakulong na ako sa kuwadrado kong mundo, kung saan ang lahat ng aking gawain ay tila naka-programmed, na dito sa mundo ko na ang kilos ko na lamang ay sa apat na kanto nito. Wala na akong kontrol sa sarili kong buhay, wala akong mapagpilian dahil ganon at ganon rin naman ang nangyayari.

Nang biglang may dumaan na bulalakaw… imbes na humiling ako rito ay unti-unting tumulo ang luha sa aking mga mata. “Sana nga totoo ang tungkol sa bulalakaw". Disinsana’y napawi na ang sakit at pagod na aking nararamdaman .” Unti-unti na akong nilalamon ng kalungkutan ng mga oras na iyon. Nais kong matulog na upang makalimutan ang lahat ng problema ko kahit panandalian lamang, ngunit hindi ako dalawin ng antok. Nasanay na kasi ako ng ganito.

Masyado nang magulo ang akinh isipan. Ibig kong makipag-usap kahit kanino upang maibsan man lamang ang bigat na aking nararamdaman, ngunit alam kong hindi nila susubukin. Lagi na lamang akong mag-isa sa pagharap sa mga problema ko ngunit ayos lang, sanay na naman akong mag-isa. Alam kong malalagpasan ko rin lahat ito ng ako lamang at wala nang iba pang makakaalam. Tanging ang kadiliman ng gabi at ang mga bituin lamang ang saksi ng bawat pagluha at pighati ko.

Ngayon, heto na naman ako. Lumuluha rito sa apat na sulok ng aking silid. Kinuha ko ang isang diary sa ilalim na aking unan at nagsimula akong sumulat. Eto… eto ang mundo ko… ang kuwarto at ang diary ko.

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